When is it too old to have a crush on someone? I have a crush on Alicia Keys. I know someone who has a crush on her boss and I’m pretty sure my cat has a silly crush on my left leather shoe. Unexplainable and expensive. Sigh.

I remember my last human crush was on this piano student, a senior of mine in UiTM. He wasn’t all that good, but when you have a crush on someone, ko main jela pape pon, music to my ears. Haha! The thing about crushes is that, you don’t really want that person all for you, but man does their very presence make you just go all crayyzee! You start checking for sweat on your face and palms, brushing your hair with your fingers hoping it would be enough not to make you look stupid but the worst is when that person actually comes up to you and says “Hi” It doesn’t matter who you are or what age you’re at, in an instant you turn into a giggly 8-yr old, all excited and clumsy. Ugh!

For now, my big crush is Alicia Keys. For all the obvious reasons and more. It’s not those cinta2 crush, but more of the creepy-sounding “kalau lah aku dapat dia ni, aku jaga baik2. Aku sikatkan rambut dia, jaga diet dia (as if!), lapkan piano dia ari2..”

Or maybe I’m confusing her with my cat, Meena. Or maybe my senior. Maybe it’s a twist of both, but dang is Alicia hot! Stay true, woman. Love you.

I love my sistas. These crazy-assed, blunt, poker-faced women don’t come down often, but when they do, they fill up my life with so much joy I wish they live just next door. Actually, I don’t. But I love them just the same! K Meen, K Dalie, K Hana, K Rina. Ni muka2 wajib travel bersama whenever they go visit STF. Why they so rajin, only they can answer that. These days K Meen travels plus 1 with the ever so huggable SD. Love him too. Tak boleh ckp “more” takot K Meen minus 1 pulak lepas ni, that 1 being me! Haha!

July 11th was a brief dinner with them, then I joined K Meen and the huggable plus 1 to visit K Dewi n Fazle. K Meen almost went home either a child molester or kid-killer because of Damien! Cute sangatla budak tu. Same birth date as SD. Camane tu? Then Dyna came along near midnite and turned night into day as we all laughed at her dumb luck having an SK as her boss, amongst other tales she brought. July 12th, woke up a lil too late for the Career Talk at STF. Wished Dyna good luck with her session and headed off to Plaza Larkin. Craving2 for Laksa Johor la. SD came to join. We practically rotted there while waiting for some old women to finish torturing STF form 5s with their career advice. Actually, we were the ones tortured having to wait that long.

When they finally called, we went to STF at about 2pm. From there, we went to Holiday Plaza. SD and K Rina went for a Thai massage while we had a drink at Lavender. Soon after, I got duped into buying an Oakley Jupiter. Dang! I can resist food better than shades. I should be able to blame K Dalie for this one, oh but do i dare to? ;p Looking at them shop at Holiday Plaza, I can’t really blame them. This was where we had our training in shopping. This was once our outing place. Some were even caught shop-lifting there. Yep, this was where we learnt to look for things, scour for goods, bargain, buying the best our money can get. They didn’t really need the stuff they bought, but they were back in HP. Who can say no to them? Not me! After HP was HOME. Balik la. I was feeling sleepy by 6pm. Shopping mcm org tua. Can’t even last til nightfall! 1 car went to send KFC Barrel to Dynamites, and 1 car went to Plaza Larkin cos Madame Meen craved for Laksa Johor. My car went in just.

I look forward to seeing them again. Anytime. Right now I have Garoupa Tomyam repeating in my head over and over. Will I be able to wait for SD n K Meen?

Send me mixed signals why don’t cha lil kid…

1st July: Band practice. Read Butterfly’s comments on state comp formation over and over again. Ouch!

2nd July: Band practice. Lil kid’s hp is working again.

3rd July: The band performed for the 5th richest man in the country. Public Bank’s main man. Names never stick. Butterfly said “n I’m happiest when you love me”
4th July: Rest. Nothing else. From pasar tani early in the morning, to reading an old Archie comic before turning in. A good day of rest.

5th July: Rieyna n her mom came to visit. We swam for an hour. It was cool. Later at night Lil kid came clean with me. She doesn’t have a dog on the side. I should be smiling.

6th July: Found out that all my efforts and sacrifices are not appreciated by the last people I expected. I’ve been scorned.

7th July: Beefy’s birthday. Forgot to wish as I forgot to turn the date dial on the watch. Sounds lame, I know. But I am that lame! Also, left the band.

8th July: Shut myself at home, thought about things. That’s it! I did the right thing.

9th July: Butterfly got admitted into ICU for allergies to eye-drops and paracetamol. Seriously. Rieyna came and we had a night swim. The water was freezing cold! It was an hour well spent, though.

10th July: Started blogging again. And reporting. Heard about Fazle being suspected of leukemia. I pray he doesn’t get it. Dyna text about “Back to School” tomorrow. I do not want to go!

Excited about what tomorrow brings. Good night!

Writing used to be therapeutic for me. I guess if English was the only class that never sent me to wonderland, then that’s just natural. These days, however, with happenings and problems that just sucks the life out of this once youthful bodice and force me to grow up and accept once and for all that I’m not 15 anymore, I haven’t been able to write that much at all. In fact, I don’t even have the strength to pick up the phone and call a friend. I just shut the world out.

Today, after 3 whole days of searching myself, I’ve decided to start here. See what I’ve done was, I didn’t go to work. I let myself be someone I’ve never been before. I woke up late, didn’t have the conventionally scheduled meals, didn’t even peek at my work, I didn’t do nuttin’. Instead, I just went online and devoted myself to youtube like I didn’t have a life. From Michael Jackson’s memorial service to Animal Planet docs, there wasn’t a single genre I didn’t catch. I was this youtube couch potato rotting myself away in the name of video. There isn’t a single member of Club Kids that I can’t name now. I can even do it alphabetically.

After 3 whole days of bathing only once daily, I realized something. It’s easy to run away. Even before you can snap those two fingers, you can much sooner run away and disappear from what you hate in life. Hate your food? Throw. Hate your car? Sell. Hate your job? Quit. Hate your house? Move. Or check into a hotel for a couple of days. Hate your spouse? Leave. Or evict. See, running away doesn’t really mean cowardice. It means change. It’s one thing knowing, it’s another standing up and saying “That’s it. Enough is enough!” When Tina Turner left Ike, she left all bloodied and swollen. She took her big leap. She’s been reaping off of it since then. Good for her.

My leap isn’t as big nor dramatic as Tina’s, but I’m very well pleased with it. My decisions I will keep private for now. They’re not many, but they’ve managed to get me standing back up and feeling good all over. Good enough to start writing again. Not all that bad indeed.

Eventhough it’s pretty obvious I don’t really have much to write about for now, I do feel its my responsibility to share with people whom I care about that sometimes a change really would do you some good. It doesn’t take that much money (at first). You just need some willpower, a thick skin, and a big-assed attitude mantra, “Me, me, me!”

I’m pouring a whole lotta “I” into “me” right now, I just wish you all could share the feeling!

I am so close to losing it right now.

So damn close.

My trip to KL recently was a fruitful one. On many levels. Although I lost something that was very dear to me, my little butterfly, I managed to close on some deals AND I ran into some very old friends. Well, one actually literally ran into me. But he managed to slow down upon landing so noone was hurt.

It was last Friday when I went to KLCC to send my broken camera to Sony. Yes, broken in all sense of the word. I went with Rina, my utmost loyal seasonal companion/escort. My best friend. She’s picked me up from Low Yatt Plaza and we headed straight for KLCC. We were caught in many traffic jam spots. I was quickly reminded of why I left KL in the first place. When we finaly arrived, it was about 6pm. I think. I slept all through the jam. Heh!

After Sony, Rina suggested we ate at Picnic. There was an Italian outlet she liked. I suppose it was Italian. I forgot the name. (I’m not the best travelling companion!) She ordered the Marinara something something while I ordered the Spaghetti Bolognaise and the Mexican Pizza. I tell you, I loved them! Not the best I’ve tasted, but for food court quality, I loved them! Not enough to actually remember the name of the freakin’ outlet, I know, but I’d definitely visit them again the next time I come into KL.

Just as we were getting into our food, I saw an old friend of mine walking through the place. This guy was supposed to be in London. I took a bet, called out his name, and the moment I heard the words “Esty Farrah” come out of his mouth, I hit the jackpot. He ran (in)to me (haha!) and we hugged like the very old friends we were. After a few seconds of rejoicing, he showed his friend to me and said, “You know Jaja right?” My jaws dropped. It was Jaja! My netball matey! (Yes..I played netball back in Sekolah Rendah…Yawn!) We hugged. Invited them to join us at the table. They sat but refused to eat as they were actually on their way to a mini-reunion wih their high schools buddies. Fine. We talked. And talked. And talked. About things from past to present. I couldn’t stop staring at their faces when they talked. My, how we’ve grown.

Eventually, their buddies came. They screamed joyously. That same scream heard just a few minutes ago. Haha! The scream of kampong people reunited in the city! As they talked, I overheard Jaja telling them about accidentally meeting me there. As I turned my head to greet these people, both of them actually pointed at my face and said my name out loud. Wow! I must be wanted in some quarters of this country! They were actually my buddies from the same school! Hah!

So there we were-Aza, Jaja, Joanne, Michelle, Rina and myself-on our way to find a good spot to chat ourselves to death. After a long climb, Mdm Kwan’s long waiting list sent us back all the way down, and more, to Chinoz. The four ordered their dinner and it was just drinks for Rina and myself. After a tiny debate on their strangely designed alcohol menu, our orders were made. Aza’s friend (whose name escapes my brain right now) even made a cameo appearance. We chatted the world away that night. Everyone seemed to be in high spirit of sorts. I mean, none of us were showing the strains of reunion (the kind you get during those dreadful reunions you’re forced to attend) We were practically getting into each other’s stories, supportive and attentive at all times. I actually stayed coz I loved it! We learnt about each other on a minimal yet intimate level that night. My shots made me reveal more than I should have, but I regret none of it. It was all cool that night. All of it.

By the end of the night, we parted ways with many quotes that I take home with me. Michelle said, “It’s fate that brought us together tonight” Joanne said, “We’ll definitely do this again” Aza’s toast was the conclusion of the night, “To old friends and new friends” Beautifully put, Aza.

Me, I kept repeating the words, “Tonight was cool!” till I reached my dad’s place later that night.

Aza-my classmate from primary 1-5. Never buddy2. Bully2 got. YouTube’s resident lip-synch queen.

Jaja-never classmates. Netball matey. Sekolah agama matey. Copy Arab matey. Still searching for THE one. Patiently.

Joanne-my 6 Baldu classmate. Never buddy2. Now married and has a kid. Aww… Smooth-talked me into Word Challenge. I’ve been converted! Dang!

Michelle-don’t even remember her. Obviously never buddy2. Smokes like she has a spare lung at home! Made us proud to be kampong people at Chinoz!

Rina-my friend from uni. Pianist. Doing Master’s at UM. Made welcomed by my friends. Now her friends too. Cute. Sudahlah kau!

Don’t you just love it when you can just sit with old friends, chat, have a couple of drinks and just enjoy the moments together? No pre-judging each other and yet have no holds barred conversations. I think every moment we get with another human being is precious. Why spoil it by being the asshole or the bitch of the night? Am I right?

Good times with great company can be so good to the body and soul that not even a bad mix of vodka and orange can spoil it! Order lain jela!

Right guys?

;) 

clockwise from back: Joanna, Michelle, Jaja, meself, Rina, the cameo appearance friend, Aza

I pray to God tonight to bless the good people at McDonald’s for coming up with such a beauty of a creation-the Mudpie McFlurry. Simply beautiful. A simple concoction, a simple name, a wonderful dessert. Yummee!

While Jono and Joko have decided to take a short hiatus, John is on the lookout for clues from the skies. Good luck to John!

Why does everything have to be a mix? Why can’t we just feel good about what comes? Why must there be a con to a pro? Or vice-versa. Why? At times, I wish I were as brave and upfront as I was in my teen years. Other times, I just shake my head when I recall those bravado moments of my life. Still, I’d like to think I still got it. I still can. I can try.   

Why can’t I just take what I want and smile all the way home? Everything should just be a big Mudpie McFlurry. No, don’t give me the cons. Let me just be happy with this.

Why can’t I just learn to say what I feel?

7.30am: Fed the cats. Checked email. Updated a website. Was warned by Gerald not to leave for Sg too late cos I might be stuck in the jam too bloody long. Headed straight for the showers!

9.00am: Left for Sg. JB side traffic was ok. Once the borderline was crossed, I spent about 40 minutes from the jam to customs clearance. Pretty owkay..

10.15am: Reached my destination. Hong Kong Disneyland, Towntalk Silver Polish, Seiko Clip Metronome, Syphonic Music Stands, a beautiful Purpleheart Mollard Baton, the Singapore Music Education System and the future of things brought my stay there til about 3pm!

3.15pm: Drove out of the parking lot. Felt confident I’d make it in time to teach at 5pm.

3.30pm: Caught in the 1st jam of the day. BKE. Accident on lane 1. Here I was saying to myself, “which is lane 1 again?” After passing by the scene, it was all clear. I was singing to Luther’s So Amazing as I imagined myself reaching JB by 4pm.

3.45pm: Spoke too soon. The causeway jam has started-about 3km from the checkpoint! The bloody checkpoint wasn’t in even in sight! A peek at the gas meter gave me a huge relief. 3/4point. Thank God!

5.15pm: JOHOR BAHRU checkpoint!!! Dang! If they’re really gona make the Sg people fill in white forms, you’d think they’d at least given us Malaysians more of our own lanes to pass through??

5.35pm: STF. Band room was suddenly all heaty. Moved to the tennis court. Seagate on the green. Sweet.

6.30pm: Dismissed. Headed straight to the canteen. Waited for the girls to join. Tonight was the buka puasa together. Didn’t have any strength left to even bathe. Buka was at 7.04. No way can I shower less than 20 minutes!

7.04pm: Azan. The girls hadn’t arrived yet. Maybe I should’ve released them earlier. Oh well. They came a lil later, grabbed some fruits and headed straight to the surau for Maghrib prayers. Sensei’s orders. Came back after, and we buka. Form 5s sat with me. My order.

Sometime into Ishak, Form 5s wanted to open up the cake they’d brought. Secret Recipe! I anticipated the grand reveal! Don’t cake boxes just give you that happy feeling you just can’t avoid?? Haha! So there I was, staring at the box. Wanted to take a peek, but Sean actually (literally) pushed me back! Physical, are we? Then they lit some candles. I asked whose birthday it was but they just gave me that famous smirk that they so own. Oh, I was too tired to be insisting anyway.

They finally showed me the cake and there it was, “Happy Belated Birthday Bosz” Sob! Actually, my heart sobbed. I couldn’t cry cos I was too damn tired. How touching.

I never expect anything on Teacher’s Day cos I do not see myself anything close to a teacher. I never expect anything on my birthday cos like Oprah, I hate surprises. That’s cos my heart can’t take it. Haha! I especially never expect to even be thanked for anything good I do cos of my days of careless youth, I always feel like I’m making up for something. Everytime.

To this strangely stubborn yet adorably close-knit batch of 0408, I thank you with all my heart. To think of me even during your 2nd trials, that’s too much. I wish you all the best.

Heck, sometimes I wish they never grow up and leave!

Now that would be my biological clock talking..

;p

Yup! The 2008 Emmy Awards are coming soon. Really soon-it will be shown live on Ch5 at the usual time of 9am this Monday. I’ve already booked my spot on the living room couch! 3 days to D-Day! Yeah!

I’m rooting for Boston Legal, 30 Rock and My Name Is Earl. Yeah! 3 favourite shows of mine at the moment. Jaime Pressly is not nominated for Best Actress this year. But that’s ok. Tina Fey is. Go Tina! I’ll also be at the edge of my seat for the Best Actor in a Drama Series. Go James!!! Oh well, I’ll be glued to the TV til the end of the show no doubt!

Other than that, I’m looking forward to buka puasa with the Red Crocs this Saturday. Hahaha! What a name! Just testing!

Oh, am I the only one who didn’t make any baju kurung raya this year? I’m not really in the festive mood. I wonder why myself.

On another note, my kittens are going to be officially 1 month old babies come 1st day Raya. Yes, they were born on the 1st day of Ramadhan. Isn’t that just sweet?? Yesterday I checked and all 5 of them have finally opened their eyes! Bloody fabulous!!

Might have to devote an entire column to them kittens next time.

For now, I’m all excited about the Emmys!!

Yes. Weekend shopping. Not my cup of tea. I’ve realized why a lot of my friends keep asking “how come we never run across each other?” The answer lies here. I only enter shopping malls (if and when I do) on weekdays. Actually, I only really step out of my car for longer than 30 mins at every stop, during weekdays! Haha! That’s cos I hate the weekend crowd. Or, to be more precise, I hate crowds. Period. I’ve renewed anger cos I was forced to go to Tesco yesterday. Tesco on a Sunday!

This Ramadhan month, I just have to ask. Why does the jam start well before 4? See, this is what I don’t get. Pak Lah switched from the 6-day work week to 5. Great for the economy. So, instead of us seeing people “hilang” from work on Saturdays, now we see them “cabut” from work starting lunch hour on Fridays. Friday became the new Saturday. Fine. Now, Ramadhan month. With the 5-day work week being already transformed into 4, people now get to go back at 4pm! For what, may I ask? Get home to their loved ones, have time enough to buka together? Hmm..

I’m not one who’s against the government and its policies, although I do believe that our country is headed towards the pits. Tanah Melayu is screaming for help here! I understand the need for progress, but if all parents give in to their children’s demands, rosak jugak. There has to be some order. Kids look to their parents for order. Citizens look to the government for order. I don’t believe that by giving the citizens whatever they want, to make them feel more comfortable is actually that good. Well, I want to be comfortable, yes. But don’t manjakan your people! We are a country of softies now! Seriously, how many are in the army now? Do we have the stats? Men who are ready to serve and protect our country when the time comes when they’re called for duty? And if and when that happens, and we run out of army, who do we depend on? These kids who’ve so-called served the PLKN or National Service?? Those who screamed abuse when screamed at by their trainers?? Those who were quick to send MMS of their friends being ”toughened-up” during training to their parents back home? These people? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I’d sooner surrender myself to the enemy just to spare the sad, sad experience of having to witness these people run off to hide in their parents’ bedrooms when they’re called for duty.

This country is full of softies now. With other races working so hard to break into MALAYsia, Malays are keeping themselves busy breaking themselves apart, making a big fuss over who poked into whose ass!! Poop! What with the swearing and pointing fingers, does anyone realize that none of the chinese said anything when Chua Soi Lek kantoi? Malu lah oi! Where is the racial pride here? With other races clamouring and making their move while we’re so busy breaking apart studying marks on people’s asses, our only efforts are to sit comfortably in our chairs screaming “hak keistimewaan melayu terjage selagi ade bulan dan matahari” and “org bukan melayu mesti menganggap melayu sbg tuan di negara ini” If we don’t get up and do something now, a lot will be lost even before the moon and the sun disappear!

People need change. If it wasn’t Anuar, if it were a small kid from Cha’ah, someone who had good interpersonal skills, articulate enough to mesmerize, bearing all promises of CHANGE, people would vote for him. People just need change. And don’t let me hear anyone bashing Pak Lah for what’s happening today. It wasn’t him who made the other races super-rich and super-strong today. And we know super-rich and super-strong don’t happen overnight. Why do people need change? Maybe we’ve long misused our privileges? Just maybe? If only I’d kept count of the total times I’ve heard this sentence uttered, “Kerja dgn kerajaan bagus. Kerajaan takkan buang kerja. Paling terok pun, kena transfer je.”  

We know what needs to be protected, protect them. Do something. This is the worst of times to be falling apart.

Oh how weekend shopping angers me…